Well gang recently I was in Missouri having been drug there for my girlfriend’s family reunion/eclipse viewing party. While the cosmic ballet was pretty neat that’s not what I’m writing about today. No today I’m writing about our visit to Ozarkland.
Ozarkland was a magical place filled with tacky bullshit conveniently located off the highway between St. Louis and Columbia. I could probably write an entire encyclopedia to the crap I found there but here are the highlights:
1.The Duke Cannon Supply Co. U.S. military grade special issue soap on a ropeTactical soap? Are you fucking kidding me? This marketing ploy, in addition to being idiotic, is insulting. Here’s a secret about the military…you don’t get issued soap. When you’re in you use Dove or Irish Spring just like everyone else. Its nice some sales are donated to veterans although that kind of bothers me as well. Maybe this is my deeply ingrained cynicism talking but it seems like they are trying to guilt you into buying their product. I am of the opinion that it is rather tacky when someone draws attention to their own charity. Isn’t a good deed its own reward?
2. Pickled beet eggs. My favorite thing about this is the label on the jar says it contains eggs. I should fucking hope so! I have to imagine these are revolting. Hard boiled eggs are good, pickling is good, and even though beets taste like dirt they are edible. However these three things do not need to be combined. Its almost as if a mad scientist sought to create the perfect culinary abomination to market to hillbillies.
3. This blanket. I don’t have anything snarky to say just look at it! Practically giving them away at $99. I should have bought ten.
4. Something else that’s dumb? This magnet! Actually I take that back…I love this magnet. I wish I bought it (it was surprisingly expensive and I don’t like the idea of carrying around magnets for an extended amount of time). There were other Missouri magnets for sale that made more sense. One had a largemouth bass on it and the other had a flower. What does a dolphin have to do with the state? Who the hell knows!
BONUS: For the longest time I thought Missouri was nothing but pig farmers, Confederate flags, and Branson but I visited a grocery store with a bar in their liquor section! What I’m trying to say is it turns out the Show Me State might be the most advanced society we have.