Today I tied my record for most college football games watched in a season at a whopping 2. The number would be higher but for one simple fact. I don’t really give a shit about college football.

I wish that I had a noble reason for saying so, such as being outraged by how shittily the NCAA treats its athletes, but I don’t.

It probably has something to do with not having gone to a school with a big program, and I didn’t grow up around anyone who gave a shit about college football either.

However, there is one game a year I want to see which is the Whoever Wins I Win Bowl. The Whoever Wins I Win Bowl is the annual meeting between my two alma maters; the prestigious Western Illinois University and the illustrious Southern Illinois University. That game was last weekend and the Salukis of SIU came out on top against the WIU Leathernecks. I would have called the game a nail biter but let’s not forget…whoever wins I win.

Today I went to the big University of Maryland/Rutgers University showdown. A good friend of mine is an RU alum and I masqueraded as a fan wearing a Scarlet Knights t-shirt he lent me. I think I sold the ruse quite effectively, and I practiced talking trash to his cousin attending Maryland before the game.

Rutgers is a really bad team. In October they played Michigan and the Wolverines stretched out their proverbial assholes to the tune of a 78-0 score. It was Rutgers worst lost since 1888 (Note: if you knew people had been playing college football for at least 128 years you are a damn liar). Anyways, I didn’t expect much and I was not disappointed. The Terrapins…shellacked….the competition 31-13.

Despite my aversion to college ball I had a lot of fun, and in addition to the play on the field there was some general weirdness to enjoy. Firstly I was very impressed with the stadium considering Maryland’s football program is mediocre at best. The best part of the stadium experience was the bathrooms had troughs! Any ladies reading this might not appreciate it but peeing in a trough is the best. If I had Warren Buffet money my solid gold gilded house would have the finest aluminum trough urinals money could buy. Find me a guy who says he doesn’t enjoy whizzing in a trough and I’ll show you my nominee for Earth’s first manned space flight to the sun.

Speaking of whizzing a Rutgers player definitely took a leak on the field no more than 20 feet in front of our original seats. I say original seats because we eventually moved because where we were was great for seeing players piss on the turf, but not so great for actually being able to see a game. We were in the 2nd row closest to the field, and if you were wondering just how little emphasis is put on Maryland football these seats costs a whopping $6.

Eventually we moved to the student section and could actually see the game (funny story we had to elude a security guard who didn’t want to let us sit in crappier seats). Being able to actually see the game was great and an added bonus was being seated near an oddball. The guy wasn’t acting weird so much as he was wearing a weird coat. A perfectly preserved 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics Starter jacked to be exact. I was pretty impressed this thing existed, but I also wondered what possessed someone to wear it. I’ll also admit I allowed my imagination to run wild and briefly pretended he was a time traveler who materialized at that very moment in the stands.

Let’s see anything else? Oh yeah, Fidel Castro died! I saw that first thing this morning when I did my daily reflexive internet check upon waking up. My initial reaction was ‘wow, I can’t believe it!’ and then I remembered he was 90. Although to be fair he is rumored to have survived more than 600 assassination attempts. Over the course of his life that averages out to more that 6.5 attempts a year folks! Say what you want about the man but that’s pretty impressive.


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