My girlfriend’s dad sent us an Omaha Steaks sampler and its pretty awesome. The box is full of tasty stuff like chops, fish fillets, and steaks. Although nestled in this protein parcel was one eyebrow raising inclusion. Gourmet hot dogs.

These are not a thing. If I were on Family Feud and the category was oxymoron I would not hesitate for a moment to answer gourmet hot dog. The only thing more preposterous than a gourmet hot dog is artisan crack or micro-brewed malt liquor.

You see the wiener is the ultimate low brow food, but that isn’t a bad thing. They’re fun to eat at ball games (good rule of thumb if its served at a ballgame it isn’t gourmet), and can be dressed up in a variety of ways. I’m a Chicago dog man myself. However we need to recognize a dog for what it is…nothing more than a tube of processed meat. Even beef originating from a Japanese hand massaged cow suffers this humiliation.

In conclusion, those of you reading this (all 2 of you if I’m lucky) might interject that lobster was once food for prisoners but overcame its humble beginnings to…claw…its way to the pantheon of dinner foods. My rebuttal would be to challenge any naysayers to read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle or Erik Schlosser’s Fast Food Nation, for a complete explanation as to why they are nicknamed lips and assholes.

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