The other night I’m sitting around the house writing a (hilarious/poignant/literature redefining) blog post when a fire truck drives by the house making a racket. A minute or so later another one follows…and then another. A screaming ambulance follows and by this point I’m starting to wonder what the hell is going on. The street I live on isn’t wide enough for two cars to pass one another if someone is parked on the street. I’m also a tad concerned because if this many emergency vehicles are on the block I feel its safe to assume the neighborhood is burning down. Well, I finally step outside to have a look and its a fucking Christmas parade. Of course I’m relieved I wasn’t about to be immolated, but I’m also pissed because I wasn’t convinced my dog wasn’t about to have an epileptic seizure either. Needless to say I wasn’t as enthralled by the spectacle as the young hillbilly boy living next door.
I’m going to catch hell for this but Christmas is dumb and I don’t care who knows it!. Most magical time of the year my ass! I could probably write a book about my disdain for the holiday but I’m just going to hit some bullet points.
1. I am not a huge fan of Christmas music. As a general rule I think its pretty terrible. Why is that? Well, its arguably the most annoying genre of music. This might seem counter-intuitive as its played for roughly 6 weeks a year but I that helps my point. For a month and a half every year anyone whose not my deaf flatulent co-worker is bombarded nonstop. Christmas songs are the musical equivalent of the Dresden firebombing.
It seems every hack musician out there releases a Christmas album as well. Or worse they write original songs. Have any of you heard Christmas Shoes? If you want to hear something sappier than an Oregonian pine forest I suggest you give it a listen. Actually don’t do that. In all seriousness if I could go back in time and choose to hear that song once or become addicted to crack I would choose the pipe. Its really that bad.
While we’re at it what’s up with seasonal music? Christmas is the only holiday that has music isn’t it? Valentine’s Day doesn’t count even though there are countless songs about doin’ it. I used to work at a water park and one 4th of July I was subjected to Sousa marches for the entirety of my 8 hour shift but I’m not sure that counts (although it was one of the longest days of my life).
2. I realize this makes me sound like a communist (I’m not) but the rampant consumerism gets old pretty quick. The rush to buy shit no one really needs begins the moment the last piece of pie is eaten on Thanksgiving and doesn’t let up until New Year’s. Also the holiday branding is awful.There’s a Heineken commercial starring Benecio Del Toro that’s floating around these days. He’s sitting around at a Christmas party opening a bunch of gifts he has nothing but contempt for. I should point out that the gifts he’s getting are simultaneously awesome and practical (sweater, guitar, kitchen mixer). He’s moping around until someone hands him a case of Heineken with a bow on it and then he’s happy as a pig in shit because his priorities are all fucked up. Heineken is swill and an import for idiots. Its Europe’s version of Corona and no amount of Christmas cheer will help that.
And don’t get me started on that stupid Toyota truck commercial where those people are writing someone’s name in Christmas lights. Thank God you can’t contract diabetes from TV because that saccharine display would result in my legs being chopped off.
3. Christmas decorations. Personally I’m against buying a bunch of shit and then hiding it in a garage or attic for most of the year. People tend to go overboard on decorating as well which is preposterous. My next door neighbor’s house (where the aforementioned hillbilly youth lives) is so lit up it makes Vegas look tasteful by comparison.
Honestly though I can deal with the decorated houses. Probably because I’ve become desensitized over the course of my life. What I can not abide though are decorated cars. Have you guys seen anyone who puts antlers on their minivan? How about a red nose on the grill? “Oh, I get it its Rudolph! HAHAHAHA (beats on hood of car with baseball bat).”
I could go on ad nauseum but I think I’ve made my point. I’m not even going to get into the pagan origins of the holiday, or that historians think Jesus was actually born in the spring. I don’t even plan to mention the time my sister went to get a photo with Santa and the lecher made an incest joke.