A few years ago I bought a book containing instructions how to build a t-shirt cannon. Why? Because its a fucking t-shirt cannon that’s why! Anyways, I have yet to put one together but doing so is one of my new year’s resolutions for 2017.

I loved these things from the moment I first saw one in action, and the desire to build one stems from one of my favorite memories during my formative years

For those of you who don’t know I am from the dump that is Rockford, Illinois. Years ago we had a semi-professional basketball team named the Rockford Lightning, and before I was old enough to drink legally there wasn’t a whole lot to do except go to these games and watch NBA hopefuls play mediocre basketball in a partially filled arena (fun fact I once saw the Lightning play a team whose roster boasted Master P). During intermission the team’s hype-machine was running full steam gallivanting around launching t-shirts into the crowd. Directly seated behind my friends and I was a muffin-topped howler demanding a shirt be launched her way. I hope it goes without saying that being in such close proximity to someone like this was awful to put it mildly. Anyways, this beast’s hooting and hollering got the attention of the t-shirt infantryman and he fired right at her

What happened next was pure magic.

With a velvet smooth motion my friend (and future brother-in-law) reached up and plucked the shirt out of the sky as it was rocketing towards the ogre’s outstretched claw. The only part of his body that moved was his arm and it was as if he had been preparing since birth for this moment. Anyone who thought David Tyree’s catch in Superbowl 42 was impressive should have seen this grab. The muffin-topped howler was apoplectic, but it was the single most heroic thing I had seen in my life up to that point.

Anyways, I realize that’s a pretty strange reason to be obsessed with t-shirt cannons but so be it. Also, Happy New Year. I hope everyone gets to experience some really weird stuff and mingle with plenty of degenerates in 2017.


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