Hey gang I don’t know about you but I had a very productive January 1, 2017. I watched football all damn day.
I headed in to DC to watch the game at the Union Pub, a bar catering to Bears fans in the capital beltway. I usually go to a slightly grimier establishment but my parents were in town. Since they live in Rockford, Illinois I figured they didn’t need to spend their time in a dump during their vacation. Anyways, the Union Pub has a wonderful brunch. I ate a burrito the size of a bag of flower which coincidentally behaved like one in my gut. I managed to clean my plate and was very pleased not to poop and/or barf once I stood up.
The only thing more sickening than what I did to my own body was the Bears performance. To put it mildly they sucked a peen. As they have done all season.
But enough about those scrubs lest I experience post-traumatic stress remembering their limp-dicked performance. The afternoon game was the Washington football team vs. the Giants. I wanted Washington to win because their victory would make it more difficult for the Packers to make the playoffs. Since I wanted them to win they naturally jobbed out. I hate that franchise and its unapologetic racist name though so it was a mixed blessing to see them flame out.
At one point I was excited to watch the prime-time game before the Washington loss rendered it meaningless. The only thing I had to look forward to was seeing a fellow alumni of the prestigious Western Illinois University during the pre-game show (multi-time Superbowl winner Rodney Harrison).
I wanted the Lions to win which normally goes against everything I stand for. I only want a division rival to do well when they play the Packers because I despise them more than Magneto despises non-ferrous metals. My rooting for the Lions was the fandom equivalent of Roosevelt cozying up to Stalin during World War 2.
Of course the Lions blew it. As stated previously the game was basically meaningless but I am petty and mean and fuck the Packers. I couldn’t pick a winner to save my life yesterday.
I’m sorry for the boring post. I’m also sorry I have yet to mention any degeneracy which is a pillar of this blog. I will rectify that now.
My old man and I were watching the evening game when he starts in with how much he hates Al Michaels. For the record I also think he sucks and could easily leave it at that, but press for details anyways. He erupts “because he never shows his upper teeth when he speaks!” And you know what? He doesn’t! This isn’t the first time my pops has said this and I’ve honestly paid more attention since. I’ll be damned if I’ve ever seen them. I hope anyone reading this never looks at Al the same way again.
One more thing. The Packers used to have a player on their roster named Najeh Davenport. While in college Davenport broke into some girl’s dorm room and took a dump in her closet.