I would never wish it on anyone but, alopecia seems like the most practical disease you could have. For those of you who don’t know alopecia is an auto-immune disease that causes someone to lose their hair. Of course this affliction wouldn’t be…smooth…sailing and saying otherwise would be a…bald…faced lie, but if you put me up against a wall and said I had to pick a disease to have it would definitely be alopecia. This probably sounds strange to anyone who knows me because I take pride in being a hirsute ape, and growing a beard is essential to my identity. I have contempt for people with terrible facial hair. Few things disgust me as much as people running around with scraggly shit whiskers they’re attempting to pass off as respectable growth. The thing is though…I won’t make fun of someone physically incapable of growing a beard or mustache. No, admonishment is reserved for those who try and fail miserably!

A big selling point of alopecia is it wouldn’t kill me. Sure, I might have to tattoo on eyebrows to emote non-verbally but that’s infinitely preferable to having cirrhosis or something equally terrible. I would save time and money as well. My wallet would breath a sigh of relief from not having to buy expensive shampoos and conditioners, and bad hair days would be a thing of the past.

I’ve only met one person with alopecia and he was something else. Our paths crossed during my seagoing days and he was a real asshole. He had messed up teeth (google naked mole rat for a visual aid) and a big lumpy body. He also wore glasses and that combined with his peculiar physique and baldness made him look like a misshaped Mr. Freeze. His appearance was hardly the strangest thing about him though. On a couple occasions I caught him shaving! Well, maybe shaving isn’t accurate becase he had no hair but he definitely would lather up his egg smooth head and run a razor over it. I never asked him what he was doing because, like I said, he was an asshole.

I don’t mean to imply anyone with alopecia is an asshole because I’m certain this isn’t the case. With that being said if I ever come across someone afflicted again while they are shaving curiosity will almost certainly.


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