How do you do? This post is about strange/annoying people I encountered on the train today, internet weirdos, and conspiracies. If none of that appeals to you I offer you two choices: 1. stab your own eyes out 2. stop reading. Without further adieu:
I was at the train station this morning when I encountered a na’er-do-well who possessed little social grace or spacial awareness. She was walking ahead of me down the stairs and doing her damnedest to obstruct all traffic by shuffling down the middle leaving no room to pass on either side. I suppose I could have asked her to move but it took every ounce of self control I possessed not to give her a hearty heave. Amplifying my fury was the arrival of the train I needed to catch. It would have been a different story had she been ancient, one leg had been shorter than the other or she was dragging a bag of cement. Alas, this was not the case. She was just your run of the mill idiot violating every known code of stairway etiquette. It was an absolutely sickening display the likes of which I don’t expect to recover from soon.
Somehow I managed to catch my train and my homicidal fury dissipated. As I do everyday during my commute I read, and I look up from time to time to acknowledge my surroundings (mostly to keep abreast of any weirdos seeking to invade my personal space). Well, I looked up today and what did I see? Would you believe an honest to god dandy? Well dressed men and women are no stranger to the DC metro but this guy took it to another level. Nice shoes, pants, leather gloves but what stood out was his faux fur collared coat. He also had a silk scarf which I am not entirely convinced wasn’t an undone ascot. If it hadn’t been six-thirty in the morning I’d have been sure dude was on his way to a charity auction or art gallery opening.
Also, leaving work today I saw the guy who I’m not convinced isn’t two 10yr olds standing on one another’s shoulders impersonating an adult.
Time to do a complete 180 and talk about weird internet (the best kind of internet). I’m lucky to have a job that affords me quite a bit of time to monkey around online. I spend a portion of my day searching for weird news and sending the occasional tweet.
The internet is so fascinating for two reasons. The first is its amazing that the entirety of the world’s information is just a Google search away. Perhaps even more interesting though is how people behave in cyberspace. Their reactions are especially interesting. I’m going to level with you guys…I’ve been known to bait people online from time to time. Some people might call this trolling but I think there’s an important difference. Baiting provokes without being abusive. As a general rule I try not to be an asshole online (of course there are exceptions to every rule).
Anyways, people react to stuff in so many different ways and its constantly amusing. I don’t know if any of you know this about me but I enjoy leaving puns as comments on the pages of various news outlets. I like making people laugh but what I love even more is when someone takes my nonsense seriously and runs with it. Today I came across a story about how dolphins chew up puffer fish to give them a sort of high. My response was “I never knew they could be used for this porpoise.” Hilarious I know, and most people get the joke. This didn’t happen today but I wouldn’t have been surprised in the least if some amateur marine biologist had responded with some gibberish that completely misses the point.
Something else that’s great is when someone’s response comes entirely out of left field. Yesterday I read a story about Terrell Owens not being selected for the NFL hall of fame. I commented that maybe if he wasn’t an entitled dick perhaps he would have gotten in. Some internet guy fires back “if you feel that way then how do you feel about our new president?” What an incredible reply! Grade-A nonsense that makes no fucking sense!
I inspired yet another wonderful response after making fun of some stupid crap David Icke posted on Twitter. David Icke, for those of you who might not know, is “famous” for spreading the idea that the global elites are secretly 12ft tall shape-shifting lizards. I initially began following Icke for a laugh, but his nonsense wears thin after a while and now I just talk shit. Anyways, I don’t remember what I said but some guy responded with an anti-Semitic rant denouncing Icke. If things weren’t strange enough this Twitter person was masquerading as deceased professional wrestler Rick Rude.
Speaking of conspiracies and weirdos lately I’ve been reading quite a bit of comics Alan Moore has written. Moore is an eccentric to put it mildly but he spins a mean yarn. Also, for a maniac he’s pretty wise. This is what he had to say about conspiracies. This is only one internet person’s opinion but I think it sums up my feelings on the matter rather succintly.
“Yes, there is a conspiracy, indeed there are a great number of conspiracies, all tripping each other up … the main thing that I learned about conspiracy theories is that conspiracy theorists actually believe in the conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is chaotic. The truth is, that it is not the Jewish banking conspiracy, or the grey aliens, or the twelve-foot reptiloids from another dimension that are in control, the truth is far more frightening; no-one is in control, the world is rudderless.”