Hey gang. I finished Neil Gaiman’s Norse Mythology the other day and there is much to discuss. I’ve read Norse mythology before but this was a nice refresher and great reminder that Norse myths are truly fucked up. Without further adieu I will now share a few highlights of the tales passed down by my ancestors:
1. I don’t normally like to comment on religion because I think its beneath me and believe it or not I try not to be an overt dick. However, parts of the Norse creation myth are odd because of how familiar they are. For example Odin and his cronies make the first man and woman out of two pieces of wood they find on a beach. They are named Ask and Embla.. While they were not made from dirt and spare ribs I think the parallels to the Bible are obvious this myth developed independently of Christian influence. Does this mean anything? I don’t know but if you are offended by what I may or may not be inferring please respond with the stupidest meme you can find that makes your point find you. This will amuse me.
2. Norse mythology touches on a modern conspiracy that amuses me quite a bit. Flat earth theory. According to Odin and his ilk the world is a flat disc with the sea around the edge. Flat Earthers believe our world is surrounded by a giant wall of ice the top of which is guarded by NASA to keep people from climbing over the edge. I don’t know if there’s any connection but recently Kyrie Irving, star point guard of the Cleveland Cavaliers declared the Earth was flat. I have no idea whether he’s interested in Norse myths but I mentioned it because I enjoy laughing at public figures with idiotic ideas.
3. Norse myth it could be argued predicted modern events specifically President Trump’s treatment of contract labor and his desire to build a wall along the US southern border. Here is an excerpt from the story about the master builder who is hired by the gods to build, what else, a big, beautiful wall:
“We cannot always rely on Thor,” said Odin. “We need protection. Giants will come. Trolls will come. And some I assume are good people.” (Haha OK I added that last sentence but please continue)
“What do you propose?” asked Heimdall, the watchman of the gods.
“A wall,” said Odin. “High enough to keep out frost giants. Thick enough that not even the strongest troll could batter its way through.”
The next day a man arrives who claims he can build their wall in three seasons, but in exchange he desires the goddess Freya as his bride. Odin, who fancies himself the master of the art of the deal, tells him he needs to finish the wall in a single season. The man accepts, and thinking the task impossible the gods relax and wait for their wall to be built. Unbeknownst to the gods the man’s horse is magic and works without fatigue. Soon it becomes obvious to the gods the wall will be built on time and they will have to pay up. Instead of honoring their debt they plot how to screw the builder out of his deserved reward. Loki transforms into a mare and lures the builder’s horse away just as the wall is about to be finished. Without his horse the man fails to finish the job, and the gods get their way. Adding insult to injury the gods realize the builder is not a man but rather a giant in disguise. This pisses the gods off because this guy misrepresented himself (even though they dicked him over in the first place) and Thor ends up bashing his head in with Mjolnir.
The story isn’t over though. Months later Loki returns accompanied by an 8-legged horse which he birthed. You read that right…Loki fucked a horse (while in the form of a horse) and had its baby. I don’t know if this was the first pro-life story, or the first beastality story but I am fairly confident it was the first pro-life beastality story.
4. Another story worth mentioning is the time Loki made the giant Skadi laugh. Loki made her laugh by tying one end of a rope to a billy goat’s beard and the other end to his dong and playing tug-of-war. I defy you not to think about this if you go see the new Thor movie, or anything with Tom Hiddleston for that matter.
5. This story wasn’t in Neil Gaiman’s volume but I feel it must be shared anyways. One time Thor was on a journey when he needed to cross a river. While crossing he noticed the water rising and glanced up river to see a giant menstruating into the water. Thor’s solution to the problem was to slay the giant with his hammer.
Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of Norse myth knows Loki is a villain but its like arguing whether which historical dictator was the most evil. Odin and his ilk are an unruly bunch of drunks, war mongers, murderers, and charlatans. The depths of their degeneracy seems to know no bounds, but I’ll be damned if the adventures of these na’er-do-wells don’t make for a good read.