Last night my gal and I were fortunate enough to luck in to some hockey tickets. Friends of ours had extra tickets and invited us to watch the Washington Capitals battle it out with the Minnesota Wild. Good times were had by all. Well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration because our seats were sandwiched between two of the worst fans I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering at a sporting event.

Our seats were rather odd. I think they were doing renovations in our section because instead of stadium seating there were folding chairs secured to the floor, and the seat number was written on the floor in chalk. My group had no trouble finding their seats, but the people one row ahead of us were rather confused. An usher came by to sort out the situation and was promptly bitched out by a she-beast sitting in that aisle.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing because it was rather shameful. This guy just came down to help and this lady just lit in to him. Yes, it was a stupid situation and the seats weren’t labeled very well but this woman reacted like someone farted on her dinner.

Did I mention she was stereotypically basic? I would be willing to bet real money this woman had a plaque in her house with some stupid phrase like “live, love, laugh” on it and lived to send meals back at restaurants. I would be equally unsurprised to find out she had a stick figure family on her car. Speaking of families she was accompanied by her two daughters (basic-lings in training) and a husband whose balls I assume were kept in a jar on her nightstand.

The sad thing is she was pleasant compared to the Capitals superfan seated a few rows above us. He wore a custom jersey with the words “Rock the Red” on the back and brought a cowbell to the game which I shit you not he must have rung at least 1,000 times. It wasn’t just random clanging either (although there was plenty of that). He attempted to keep rhythm to the music played during the game game including 2 Unlimited’s Twilight Zone which was admittedly hilarious (albeit for all the wrong reasons).

Minutes into the game and I was contemplating flinging myself to my death upon the seats below but had I done that I would have missed his worst offense which came during the first intermission. He visited the people in front of us (not the basic bitch but the guys seated next to her) and asked if they wouldn’t mind sitting up as straight as possible. He claimed they were obstructing his view of the ice. I assure you the reader they were not. We could see the entire rink from where we were and he was above us. This guy also berated people heading to their seats during play instead of after a whistle. His audacity knew no bounds.

I will give credit where credit is due and mention aside from being in close proximity to these turds I had a great time. The Capitals went, well, wild on Minnesota beating them 4-2. I’ll be back at the Verizon Center Friday night to see my beloved Chicago Bulls be more than likely humiliated by the Washington Wizards which is OK so long as I don’t have to endure that goddamn cowbell for another 3 hours.

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