Well gang there’s something I want to bitch about and that’s people who put shit all over their cars. It makes me sick and anyone who does this is despicable. Recently I’ve encountered three especially egregious examples of his nonsense that I will elaborated on.

1. Riding my bike to the train station I pass an SUV with a window cling that states “real heroes don’t wear capes they wear dog tags.” The first time I saw this my eyes rolled so hard I thought my optic nerves might snap.
Also, this vehicle belonged to someone not very familiar with comic books. While I could easily wax indefinitely about superheroes with ties to the military whose costumes don’t boast capes (Capt. America, Carol Danvers, War Machine, and The Punisher just to name a few) I think my time would be better served by pointing out that at its core this type of sentiment is bullshit. Serving in the military and/or being a veteran doesn’t necessarily make someone a hero. I’m not going to debate the merits of service instead I’m going to share anecdotes about abominable human beings who have worn the uniform.
Let’s mention some famous disgraces. Timothy McVeigh was a decorated soldier during the first Gulf War. The guy Ewan McGregor’s character from Black Hawk Down was based on is serving a 30 year sentence for child molestation. Also, let’s not forget everyone involved in the My Lai Massacre.
I served alongside at least two people who are now registered sex offenders one of who was actively producing kiddie porn. I lived in a building where another sailor literally shot a cop. I could go on indefinitely but I hope I’ve made my point.

2. While in traffic one day I spotted a car with a stick figure fucking another stick figure from behind and the words making my family underneath. Under that was a naked cartoon woman on her back with her legs spread and the words I love sushi.
I caught a glimpse of the guy and if I had to guess he was mid to late 30s. I was honestly embarrassed for him because here’s a man child tooling around in a truck that screams mentally stunted pervert.
Another thing I couldn’t help but think about was imagine if his car was stolen and he needed to describe it to the police. “Yeah, it’ll be the one covered in cartoon characters fucking one another. You can’t miss it.”

3. Last time I was in Baltimore there was some Eastern shore knuckle dragger driving a truck with “kill your local heroin dealer” in huge letters tattooed across the rear window.
I’m not advocating drug dealing or heroin usage but I can’t side with this sentiment either. I also couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of this inbred vigilante in the mold of Charles Bronson’s Deathwish character tooling around Charm City. If The Wire is ever brought back this guy’s reign of terror would provide an interesting foil for the men and women of Baltimore’s Police Department.

Honorable Mention: When I was in grad school there was a guy living in my apartment complex whose van was decorated with a stick figure family. Across from the family was a condom advocacy sticker. I love the mixed message being sent there. “Son, I love you but I wish I wrapped it up before slipping it in your mom.”


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