Remember that scene from Anchorman when Christina Applegate was pissed she had to cover a cat fashion show? I never understood her character’s frustration because I would be over the moon if that were my job. Why? Well anyone who knows me knows I love weird news, and I realize I need to be writing about it more.
Before I continue you I want to warn anyone reading this that this discussion of weird news has a theme. Penises. I suggest you look away now if you can’t handle a post about dongs, wangs, hang-downs peckers, peens, shafts, rods, tallywhackers, knobs, schlongs, meats, boners, cocks, dicks, wieners, pickles, baby arms, main veins, baloney ponies, salamis, birds, chodes, chubbier, Ds, love muscles, one eyed monsters, trouser snakes, pee-pees, Peters, pocket rockets, pork swords, purple headed yogurt slingers, skin flutes, tonsil ticklers, tube steaks, units and/or Johnsons.
Why penises? Well lately there has been no shortage of news on the subject, and I have summarized a few sordid tales below:
1. Last week a Florida man exposed himself to fellow parishioners during a church service. When asked why he told sheriff’s deputies that “The Lord told me to do it.” I think its safe to assume this man has some serious mental problems but that doesn’t make this story any less insane. If I had to come up with a list of places I’d guess I was likely to see a stranger’s cock church would (and definitely should) probably rank dead last.
2. The next penis story comes (no pun intended) from Florida as well! Some guy accused of killing his girlfriend is arguing that she choked to death while performing oral sex. Making matters worse (or funnier if you’re a terrible person like me) he asked a judge for permission to whip it out in court.
Imagine being this guy’s lawyer, and your client is asking for a motion to show his hang-down in court. Personally, I think I would gather up my things and leave then and there never to return.
3. Our final story comes from you guessed it…Florida! Just kidding it was Ohio. Some guy shot himself in the penis getting out of his car. When first responders arrived they found the round had gone through leaving what I like to imagine was a perfectly round cartoonish exit wound.The article makes no mention of the gun he had using but I’m assuming it was a fairly small caliber since he didn’t blow his dick off entirely.
I also have to wonder how stupid this guy had to be for this to have happened. I’m not pretending to be a firearms expert by any means but I do if your safety it probably won’t come off accidentally.
This story reminds me of my boot camp days when I went to the range and was very nervous. I had never shot a gun before and we were warned about Beretta bites. A Beretta bite occurs when you cycle a round and the skin between your thumb and index finger is caught by the slide. Our instructors made it sound like they happened all the time and I didn’t know any better so I was pretty nervous. Once I got my hands on a gun I realized there was nothing to worry about because you’d either have to be a complete idiot and/or trying to get get one. I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s really no excuse for shooting yourself in the penis.