Cruise Book

I finally got my grubby mitts on the cruise book from my 2012 deployment onboard USS New York. I’ve spent the past four years since my escape from the navy trying to track one down to no avail. Normally I wouldn’t care about about such trifling matters, but I helped make this book and was miffed because I never got to see the culmination of my efforts. I separated from the service before the book was printed and no one bothered to send me one. That’s gratitude for ya!
If you’re wondering what a cruise book is its like a yearbook but for the military. This analogy is especially apt if you realize just how similar high school and military service can be. For instance in both cases gossip is rampant, many don’t want to be there, and cliquish enclaves are formed.
Anyways, this book brought back plenty of memories. Some were good, some were bad, and all were interesting. Here are a few of the highlights:

1. I’ll start off with the tale of a gross girl the guys in my shop nicknamed Animal Planet. Animal Planet was in her early 20s and married to a young Marine that was on another ship in our battle group. I doubt their marriage lasted because during our eight months at sea there were rumors of her infidelity. Wait, did I say rumors? I meant documented instances of philandering! I won’t go into too many details but on one occasion she was caught with a male Marine in her rack (shipspeak for a bed) which is a huge no-no. Her nickname came about one evening while lounging in the local Houlihan’s on the island nation of Bahrain. Animal Planet walks in with some Marine and they head to the dance floor to show off their moves. They start grinding on one another and before you know it she’s on all floors and this guy is dry humping her doggy style. One of my pals remarked “its like something you’d see on Animal Planet” and the name stuck.

4. Another memorable shit-head was the fucking redneck homophobe who slept under my rack (for any landlubbers reading this racks are stacked three high). He was covered in shitty tattoos of bible verses which normally I could overlook except he would boast about fucking prostitutes in various ports. Nothing says Christian like supporting the import and exploitation of Filipino women to be used as sex slaves amirite? As if that wasn’t despicable enough he had a wife and young kid. Even more terrifying is he planned to leave the navy to return to whatever jerkwater he had crawled out of prior to enlisting and taking as a sheriff’s deputy.

3. Then there was the helicopter pilot who was a male bimbo. He embodied just about every stereotype I had about military pilots (tall, handsome, and brimming with confidence) but left me flabbergasted with his lack of knowledge about simple technology. He needed a CD burnt once, and when I dragged the files off the disc he asked if I had just erased the CD. It blew my mind. How the fuck did this guy manage to fly a helicopter?

4. The best part of any cruise, besides getting home, is port visits. Since I did photography onboard I had it pretty sweet whenever we pulled in somewhere. I could always justify leaving the ship to take pictures for the cruise book, and I never let it interfere with my own adventuring.

While visiting the Seychelles I ate a bat and got sunburnt so bad my back turned purple. I went on a three day bender in Spain, and skulked around a souq in Dubai. I even ascended the world’s tallest building which was a sphincter clinching experience for someone with my fear of heights. I always had a pretty good time because I didn’t end up like the pair of idiots who were ripped off while we were in Naples. They met some guy at the end of our pier who they thought was selling iPads. Upon returning to the ship and examining their wares they realized they had been fleeced and in fact had been bamboozled into buy boxes of rocks. When I heard about this I laughed until my sides felt like I had been on the receiving end of a beating because I am an asshole.


Birthday Zoo Adventure

It was my birthday the other day and my girlfriend and I went to the National Zoo. If you’ve never been I can hardly recommend it enough. Its very nice and most importantly free.

Its not perfect though. My biggest problem with zoos, aquariums, and museums is they are frequented by idiots. There’s always some dolt around with no clue what they’re talking about despite big signs with clear lettering right in front of their faces. Unfortunately this does nothing to stop illiterate troglodytes from hooting and hollering about the garter snake they just mistook for a boa constrictor.

Speaking of dumb apes we some orangutans as well. One of them was named Kyle. Isn’t that the worst fucking name for an orangutan? I have to imagine they let a 6 year old name it. There was also one named Bonnie which is also dumb but it made me laugh since that’s the name of my mother.

One of the orangutans had an infant which was pretty cute. It was just a tiny red hairy thing and resembled my beard if it were an anthropomorphic creature. The little guy(?) must have been a tough nurser though because mom’s nipples were about two inches long. She looked like she had a pair of pinkie fingers dangling off her chest.

After the apes it was off to the elephant house where I learned quite a bit. Did you know an Asian elephant weighs 250lbs at birth, and at a year old tops out at 650? I didn’t think that was much weight gain for an animal that tops out of 12,000 lbs but I guess it makes sense considering an elephant’s diet which is nothing but roughage. Also, elephants take several dozen dumps a day (each the size of a soccer ball) and piss an ungodly amount (another fun shit fact I learned at the zoo is that sloths relieve themselves so infrequently that any given time roughly 30% of their mass is waste). There were visual aids on the premises, and one was a large cylinder filled with pachyderm turds (or boluses if you’re a dignified sort). I assumed they were fake but upon further inspection noticed some streaks on the glass. They were the real deal! Imagine having that as your job…collecting poop all day to put on display. I imagine if that didn’t make you question your career choices nothing would.

Hard to believe but the huge piles of feces on display wasn’t the highlight of my visit. That would be the reptile house. Full disclosure, as a kid I wanted to be a herpetologist but was too dumb to get through the math and chemistry. The DC Zoo has all sorts of wonderful snakes, lizards and crocodilians but if you ask me the crown jewels of their collection are the Aldabra tortoises. Aldabra tortoises are another species of giant tortoise (picture a Galapagos tortoise but living on islands in the Indian Ocean). I had the pleasure of visiting their native islands (the Seychelles) while in the navy, and I was more excited to feed those tortoises than a Kardashian sister is to hop on a rich guy’s penis.

Something I didn’t know was apparently you can train a tortoise. These colossal testudines spend part of their afternoons hanging out in a yard gnawing the grass down to nothing, but at the end of the day are brought inside. Their keepers condition them to respond to the sight of a red disc. When the tortoises touch their faces to the disc they get a bite of carrot, and are pied-pipered back into the reptile house. After witnessing this spectacle I feel as if I owe all turtledom an apology because I previously assumed tortoises weren’t much more than empty-headed sentient rocks.

After the tortoise wrangling demonstration I had a talk with the zoo keeper, and rumor has it you can own Aldabra tortoises legally. Once I got home I looked up breeders and sure enough I found some. Most are in Florida (big surprise) and will sell you one for around two grand. At the time of writing I haven’t been convinced not to dump half a month’s salary on one of these magnificent creatures, and if I’m ever rich you can rest assured I will be moving out west and opening the world’s first tortoise centric dude ranch.

Memorial Day Gropefest

Well gang my Memorial Day was rather interesting. I spent my holiday covering big events at Arlington National Cemetery. First thing that morning I was at JFK’s grave site to photograph a wreath laying ceremony. Apparently it was his 100th birthday. Who knew? 
From there I sauntered to the top of the hill to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier for another wreath laying, and the biggest photoshoot of my career. The top dog himself, Trump, was going to lay a wreath at the tomb and little ol’ me would be following him around snapping away.
I have photographed Trump before but from afar, and I’m not going to lie I was a bit nervous. I read he didn’t want John Bolton as Secretary of State because of his mustache and I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t erupt when my yuge beard was in his vicinity. However like Sen. Elizabeth Warren I persisted and took some damn good photos if I do say so myself. 
It was mission accomplishedor so I thought. I was gathering up my gear preparing to head back to the office to edit my images when my co-worker pounced on me. She informed me that the White House was requesting all of our images and needed them pronto. I thought this was odd and little did I know it was about to get stranger. Soon after one of the women who does public relations at Arlington Natl Cemetery called us with her hair on fire. She was hooting and hollering about how Ft. Meyer police (Ft. Meyer straddles Arlington Natl. Cemetery for all you non DC-ians) needed our photos and it was a matter of national security.

I knew there was no way this was a matter of national security but I humored her. A peon such as myself probably wouldn’t be involved in a security crisis(this is real life not some shitty espionage movie). Secondly, the cemetery was crawling with secret service leading up to the event, and letting in a possible terrorist would be a colossal fuck up even for this administration. Regardless I got her the requested imagery in a timely manner and my team and I were left wondering what the emergency was. I figured I might never know either…

BUT I WAS WRONG! I got to work today and my boss sent me a very interesting link. Apparently there was some pervert at the cemetery Monday who groped a young lady during the ceremony. While I can’t condone groping anyone this act was especially repulsive and outrageous. Imagine being such a degenerate you couldn’t resist the urge to cop a feel on an unsuspecting stranger in the middle of a ceremony honoring your nation’s war dead! Even John Waters would think that was tasteless.

Anyways, here’s the link to the story if you’re interested in learning more. Also, familiarize yourself with the suspect’s photo in case you run into this slime on the street. Finally, I want it on the record that there is no evidence that supports these acts were inspired by being in the presence of our pussy-grabber-in-chief.

Weird Sex

OK gang the other day I wrote about weird news and today I’m doing it again. Also, just like last time this piece also has a theme…weird sex!

1. Our first story comes to us from York, Pennsylvania where a couple were caught having oral sex in the dining room of a local McDonalds. An employee came (no pun intended) upon the amorous couple and kicked them out. The most amazing part of this story to me is that it happened at one in the afternoon during what I have to assume is the lunch rush. How did these folks not expect to be be caught? Also, its one thing to desire getting a beej while out on the town, but another entirely to convince someone else to go along!

2. More public sex! This time the humping took place in Kent, Washington. A couple were getting it on their parked car near a busy intersection. These lovebirds also had the audacity to do the deed in the middle of the day, and I wish I could say this was the weirdest part of the story but I’d be lying.
Witnesses describe a male as having his pants down and his genitals exposed. His partner, a lady, was said to be largely naked. I have no idea what largely naked means. Wearing nothing but socks? Pasties? The police believe the man was in possession of PCP which explains a lot. The woman had a history of indecent exposure including showing the cops her naughty bits (something someone that is largely naked is won’t to do), and even stripped naked after being put in a jail cell.
That still isn’t the weirdest thing about this incident though When police arrived on the scene this seasoned exhibionist pulled a dandelion from her vagina. Can you imagine? I don’t care how jaded those cops were I guarantee they’ve never seen anything like that before. Had I been the arresting officer I might have died of shock…or laughter.

3. Here’s a fun story coming from Michigan about a man who loves cars. Literally. This youngster has a fetish he calls cranking that involves removing a car’s spark plug wires making vehicle run roughly which causes him sexual pleasure. If that isn’t bizarre enough here’s another fun fact…he’s a former Republican candidate for a Michigan House seat.

4. Our last story is a two parter with the first installment comes to us from sunny Florida. A dolphin at SeaWorld is pregnant, and there’s nothing strange about that right? WRONG! Apparently this dolphin was on birth control. If you’re like me you had no idea dolphin birth control was a thing. I did some online snooping but couldn’t find any information about dolphin birth control to my chagrin. I imagine dolphin handlers use a chemical to prevent birth but I like to imagine its actually an apparatus such as an enormous IUD. Also, the thought of dolphin birth control made me think about dolphin periods and how gross it would be to be one their trainers and swimming around in their tank while Flipper was menstruating.

The second half of this story is about NFL player Antonio Cromartie. You might be asking yourself how you can go from dolphin periods to professional football and I can’t blame you but allow me to explain. Cromartie just sired his 14th child which is extreme even by professional athlete standards. The weird thing is kids 12 through 14 were conceived after Cromartie had a vasectomy. Personally, I would have had the vasectomy about 10 kids earlier but I’m not making NFL money either.
Anyways, I was inspired to learn a bit more about vasectomies and what I found out was there is always a chance (albeit a very small one) they don’t take. Also, someone who has a vasectomy is supposed to return to their doctor at a future date to make sure the procedure worked. If I had one piece of advice for Cromartie it would probably be to pour wax down your urethra until your penis looked like a Maker’s Mark bottle before you procreate again. Anyways, for more information on the subject (from a source more reputable than my ramblings) I recommend this link:

Urologists explain how Antonio Cromartie is having kids even after getting a vasectomy

Penis News

Remember that scene from Anchorman when Christina Applegate was pissed she had to cover a cat fashion show? I never understood her character’s frustration because I would be over the moon if that were my job. Why? Well anyone who knows me knows I love weird news, and I realize I need to be writing about it more.

Before I continue you I want to warn anyone reading this that this discussion of weird news has a theme. Penises. I suggest you look away now if you can’t handle a post about dongs, wangs, hang-downs peckers, peens, shafts, rods, tallywhackers, knobs, schlongs, meats, boners, cocks, dicks, wieners, pickles, baby arms, main veins, baloney ponies, salamis, birds, chodes, chubbier, Ds, love muscles, one eyed monsters, trouser snakes, pee-pees, Peters, pocket rockets, pork swords, purple headed yogurt slingers, skin flutes, tonsil ticklers, tube steaks, units and/or Johnsons.

Why penises? Well lately there has been no shortage of news on the subject, and I have summarized a few sordid tales below:

1. Last week a Florida man exposed himself to fellow parishioners during a church service. When asked why he told sheriff’s deputies that “The Lord told me to do it.” I think its safe to assume this man has some serious mental problems but that doesn’t make this story any less insane. If I had to come up with a list of places I’d guess I was likely to see a stranger’s cock church would (and definitely should) probably rank dead last.

2. The next penis story comes (no pun intended) from Florida as well! Some guy accused of killing his girlfriend is arguing that she choked to death while performing oral sex. Making matters worse (or funnier if you’re a terrible person like me) he asked a judge for permission to whip it out in court.
Imagine being this guy’s lawyer, and your client is asking for a motion to show his hang-down in court. Personally, I think I would gather up my things and leave then and there never to return.

3. Our final story comes from you guessed it…Florida! Just kidding it was Ohio. Some guy shot himself in the penis getting out of his car. When first responders arrived they found the round had gone through leaving what I like to imagine was a perfectly round cartoonish exit wound.The article makes no mention of the gun he had using but I’m assuming it was a fairly small caliber since he didn’t blow his dick off entirely.
I also have to wonder how stupid this guy had to be for this to have happened. I’m not pretending to be a firearms expert by any means but I do if your safety it probably won’t come off accidentally.
This story reminds me of my boot camp days when I went to the range and was very nervous. I had never shot a gun before and we were warned about Beretta bites. A Beretta bite occurs when you cycle a round and the skin between your thumb and index finger is caught by the slide. Our instructors made it sound like they happened all the time and I didn’t know any better so I was pretty nervous. Once I got my hands on a gun I realized there was nothing to worry about because you’d either have to be a complete idiot and/or trying to get get one. I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s really no excuse for shooting yourself in the penis.

My brief career as a cop killer

Well gang Facebook was nice enough to remind me that a year ago I was briefly the subject of a police manhunt in my hometown of Rockford, Illinois. 

Yessir, I’ll never forget that day. I was in basement watching the Deadpool  movie like a good little nerd when my phone rang. It was my brother-in-law’s sister calling me which was odd but not entirely unexpected. We weren’t particularly close but she was thinking about joining the military and would text when she had any questions about my experience.

That wasn’t on the agenda though. She was a sheriff’s deputy and wanted to know what kind of car I drove and if I had just been in a certain part of town. I told her I had, and then I politely asked her what the fuck this was all about.

Then she let me have it. There was an all points bulletin out for me, and the cops might stop by to question me about a police shooting a few days before.

As you can probably imagine I didn’t expect this. I certainly hadn’t shot any cop. I started to think she was fucking with me because the day before I found out I would be moving to Washington, DC for work. I assumed my brother in law was getting her to play a trick on me. We were on the phone for about twenty minutes before I decided she was on the level.

Once I realized she wasn’t messing around I started to freak out. I was just hired for a federal job and I would have to pass a security screening, and the last thing I needed was to be accused of being a cop killer.

She hung up eventually and I just sat there in disbelief. I knew I hadn’t shot a cop but it was still a surreal moment that took me a while to come to terms with. Later in the day she called me back to inform me the Johnny law realized the error of their ways.

A couple days later my rogue doppelganger ran into law enforcement and was hosed down during a gun fight. The heat was officially off and my brief career as a cop killer had officially over.


Charm City Weekend

Well gang I spent my weekend in Baltimore watching baseball. My beloved Chicago White Sox played a three game series against the hometown O’s and I figured I might as well stay for the duration. It turned out to be a mixed blessing because Friday and Saturday night the Sox were competitive and they seemed to be building momentum towards a win on Sunday. I was hoping they would get over the hump for a win, but I was wrong and they shit the bed instead. 

The games were fairly uneventful except for Friday night’s when I got quite drunk. I got my food to booze ratio wrong and ended up paying for it. I wish I could say that’s never happened before but that would be a lie. During my Navy days I went to a game with a buddy who must have smuggled a dozen beers into the park. It seemed like every time I turned around he had a fresh beer waiting for me, and by the end of the evening I was so drunk Bill Cosby would have been concerned for my safety. The game seemed like it was over in about 10 minutes and later that evening I was yakking up peanut bits on the streets of Fells Point.

Saturday morning was a repeat performance of this sordid moment from my past. However, my weekend was more than barfing and baseball. Here is a list of some of the exciting things I experienced during my lost weekend:

1. I went to the kinetic sculpture race Saturday in Patterson Park. It wasn’t a race in the traditional sense but more of a demonstration. The kinetic sculptures were mechanized abominations built by engineers and other mechanically minded individuals and paraded around for the adoring public. Some of the designs included: a cow wearing a space suit, a crocodile, and an enormous sandwich.

2. A friend recommended visiting the Walters Art Museum. I took their advice and was glad I did because it was great. They had a ton of taxidermy which I always enjoy. There were several suits of armor and old-timey weapons which are always a treat to see. Probably the most exotic thing I came across was a child mummy enclosed in the cutest little sarcophagus you had ever seen.

3. I stayed in a hostel because I’m cheap and low maintenance. I was surprised by how may people were staying there because when I think about Baltimore I don’t immediately think tourist destination for young people. The more I thought about it though I realized most people are probably passing through like me and/or are headed to BWI. Regardless, there were some interesting characters and that what’s important. In my experience hostels always have guests that are asleep the entire time they are there and this was no exception. There are also people who are not mindful of others at all and leave their shit spread out everywhere. I don’t expect luggage to be stowed away but personal items and other bullshit can be put in a locker. By far the weirdest guy I came across though was the oddball sharing my room who slept fully dressed (including ball cap and shoes).

4. Finally, while walking around town I came across some random oddness. If anyone wants to see a truly terrifying Holocaust memorial then Baltimore is the place for you because it is home to an enormous sculpture of a fireball with skeletons peeking out among the flames. I’ve seen it several times before but it never gets any easier (which I suppose is the point). While walking to the stadium Saturday evening I came across a pillar of society taking a whiz in the doorway of a Walgreen’s. I was impressed by his audacity since the sun was out and it was a heavily trafficked thoroughfare. Last but certainly not least I came across a Toynbee tile and was more excited than any grown man should be about coming across a piece of linoleum with gibberish on it. (If you’re not familiar with Toynbee tiles I’ve written about them before

March for science

Hey gang. My girlfriend and I spent our Earth Day in downtown Washington D.C. at the March For Science. 

Our foray into activism did not get off to an auspicious start. Getting to the march meant surviving a train ride surrounded by kids from the University of Maryland. Normally this would be a problem because I think its awesome that young people (younger than myself that is) are getting involved and standing up for their beliefs. The problem was the group sitting in proximity to us were especially pretentious and insufferable. 

I have no idea how old these kids were but they very young. They weren’t quite dripping with amniotic fluid but they were still talking about their AP tests so think I can assume they were in their first or second year of school. When we first sat down they were talking about adderall and they best route to the march. I tried to offer advice about the Metro but was rebuffed. Their loss. 

The next topic of discussion was their majors and this is when I almost lost it. There were six of them and most were studying STEM subjects. One kid was taking kiniesology courses and his compatriot responded “yeah, I guess that counts.”

One of the girls in the group said she was a marketing major, and her friend interjected that she just liked going to protests. 

I was taken aback because this was the most condescending thing I had heard in a long while. It took everything I had not to open my mouth and take this person down a peg but I managed to contain myself. I don’t think they meant to sound like an elitist uber-asshole but I also don’t think they understood that reading one fucking textbook doesn’t equate to a distinguished scientific career either. The Wright brothers were bicycle mechanics and they invented aviation for Christ’s sake. 
I would also argue that someone participating in a march for a cause that doesn’t affect them directly makes more of a statement (although science denial certain affects everyone regardless of whether they are in a STEM field or not). 
In all fairness I’m sure I was an insufferable shit when I was at their point in life. However, like everyone else who gets older I have taken up the mantle of talking shit about younger generations. 

Anyhoo…by the time we departed the intelligentsia we were at the starting point for the march. The weather was shit and as someone who is a total weenie about getting wet I was a bit apprehensive about my participation. I persevered and I’m glad I did because the march was really a lot of fun. It felt good to be around a bunch of people who were rallying around a similar cause. From what I saw it was peaceful as well. No one was getting rowdy or destroying property.

I don’t know if our participation will make a difference but I do know our participation didn’t go unnoticed. I made an amazing sign. Actually sign may not be the write word because I carried an enormous pair of underpants with the words written “I’ll be brief…don’t ignore science.” They were a…big…hit, and I was photographed all day.

This coming weekend is the climate change march, and I think we shall be participating. I have another pair of big underwear and a clever saying, and it would be a shame if they went to…waist.


Hey gang did you hear about this guy in China who had a bit of trouble with an eel? Apparently he inserted one into his anus as a folk remedy for constipation. The eel burrowed its way through his intestines and found its way into his abdominal cavity causing extensive trauma.

Honestly I feel bad for this guy. Can you imagine being so backed up you’re willing to let an eel crawl up your own ass in hope of finding relief? The story goes on to mention that said eel’s head was the size of a ping-pong ball, so not only is that thing wiggling around but it had to force its way into what I would imagine is a relatively tight opening (certainly smaller than a ping-pong ball right?).

The article concludes mentioning that last year another man in China was admitted to the hospital after letting an eel slither up his colon for sexual pleasure. You can read about the entire sordid affair here:

If you’ve read this far you’re probably wondering why am I telling you about this. No reason to be honest. I don’t really have a connection to this story other than I think eels are kind of neat when they aren’t being stuck in asses. I used to work at a Petco and my co-workers and I used to amuse ourselves by feeding one goldfish.

I also went to the National Aquarium in Baltimore and there were plenty of eels on display. I visited with my sister and spent a bulk of my time making eel related puns for the amusement of those lucky enough to be standing around me. Walking past the…eel-ectric…eel tank I wondered aloud whether the person who discovered them had a bad…eel-ing…about what they had just caught. Later we past a tank with a moray in it, and according to the information placard they can grow to be 8 feet long.

“Wow,” I said “they sure are…eel-ongated. I bet stretched out end to end they could reach my…c-eel-ing!”

Hilarious I know. Anyways that’s my eel story, and I know I’ve hit upon this point repeatedly but I can not say it enough…don’t stick one in your ass.

The Eiger Sanction

The other day I was riding the train home. As usual I was reading a book, and the guy standing next to me got excited when he noticed it was The Eiger Sanction by Trevanian. 

Hey what do you think?,” said train guy.

I looked at him and took a deep breath before I responded:

I hate it. I think it sucks.” 

A look of disappointment swept over his face immediately. I honestly felt bad. I’m normally not this blunt with total strangers but I couldn’t help myself because this was a dreadful read.

I finished this turd the other day and if you’ve read this far you might wonder why I even bothered. There was a time when I would have put this book on the shelf never to be looked at again once I realized it was an abomination (in this book’s case about a dozen pages in). However, a few years ago I read Les Miserables in its entirety and I made a pact with myself. If I could finish that behemoth I could finish anything.

I should have known better because I had read another book by Trevanian that I hated as (Shibumi), but I had bought them at the same time and I have a big pile of books I need to read through.

Eiger Sanction is about a mountain climbing art professor, Jonathan Hemlock, who moonlights as an assassin for a shady intelligence organization. Hemlock only performs hits (or sanctions as they’re known in the book). when he needs money for paintings he buys on the black market. He’s roped into taking a job that requires climbing the Eiger in Switzerland and performing a sanction hence…The Eiger Sanction!

I’m not really going to go in depth about why this book sucked instead I’m going to share a few lines that I feel make my point for me.

1. Upon arriving in Switzerland Jonathan sees the mountain and his emotional state is described as follows “He was afraid of the mountain, his groin tingled with the fear.” What the fuck does this even mean?

2. Another point in the book the author briefly covers the history of people attempting to climb the Eiger. Before any alpinist succeeded he states that “the mountain retained its hymen.”

I cringed after reading this.

3. John is a slick ladies man, and his main squeeze is a black lady named, I shit you not, Jemima Brown. When they are about to go to bed for the first time she asks “Am I your first black?” Who fucking talks like this?!?

4. Jonathan has a friend who owns a resort/mountain climbing training facility in the desert. He goes there to whip himself into shape. After a few weeks of conditioning he’s feeling good and declares “I’m just feeling tough and full of sperm.” While reading my eyes rolled so far back in my head I was afraid my retinas might detach.

5. Speaking of his time in training Jonathan is coached by a mute native American woman named George. At first Jonathan resents her because she’s in much better condition than he is and she isn’t going easy on him. At one point he screams “You are a savage George Hotfort. I’m glad we took your land!”

Even more incredible is I think this is supposed to be a moment of levity. I wasn’t laughing and not just because I’m some millennial whose in need of a safe space. This shit is fucking offensive. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised though considering Jonathan’s arch-nemesis is a suave homosexual who has a dog named Faggot. Hilarious! (this is sarcasm please don’t come after me with pitchforks).

Critics have referred to this book as a “pale James Bond derivative,” but Trevanian countered to such criticism saying this book was a spoof on the spy genre. If you ask me that’s easy to say when your work is coming under fire. Imagine having the luxury of someone saying you suck and brushing it off with “oh that’s intentional.”

Long story short I don’t recommend this book. I picked it up at a used bookstore because I read somewhere it was good. I’m an extremely cynical person and yet I bought in. A momentary lapse of judgment that amounted to about a week’s worth of suffering churning through this drivel. If you are interested in reading spy fiction and/or mountaineering I recommend Frederick Forsyth’s Day of the Jackal and/or Jon Krakaeur’s Into Thin Air.