Penis News

Remember that scene from Anchorman when Christina Applegate was pissed she had to cover a cat fashion show? I never understood her character’s frustration because I would be over the moon if that were my job. Why? Well anyone who knows me knows I love weird news, and I realize I need to be writing about it more.

Before I continue you I want to warn anyone reading this that this discussion of weird news has a theme. Penises. I suggest you look away now if you can’t handle a post about dongs, wangs, hang-downs peckers, peens, shafts, rods, tallywhackers, knobs, schlongs, meats, boners, cocks, dicks, wieners, pickles, baby arms, main veins, baloney ponies, salamis, birds, chodes, chubbier, Ds, love muscles, one eyed monsters, trouser snakes, pee-pees, Peters, pocket rockets, pork swords, purple headed yogurt slingers, skin flutes, tonsil ticklers, tube steaks, units and/or Johnsons.

Why penises? Well lately there has been no shortage of news on the subject, and I have summarized a few sordid tales below:

1. Last week a Florida man exposed himself to fellow parishioners during a church service. When asked why he told sheriff’s deputies that “The Lord told me to do it.” I think its safe to assume this man has some serious mental problems but that doesn’t make this story any less insane. If I had to come up with a list of places I’d guess I was likely to see a stranger’s cock church would (and definitely should) probably rank dead last.

https://www.sebastiandaily.com/news/vero-beach/man-exposes-penis-during-vero-beach-church-service-6274/

2. The next penis story comes (no pun intended) from Florida as well! Some guy accused of killing his girlfriend is arguing that she choked to death while performing oral sex. Making matters worse (or funnier if you’re a terrible person like me) he asked a judge for permission to whip it out in court.
Imagine being this guy’s lawyer, and your client is asking for a motion to show his hang-down in court. Personally, I think I would gather up my things and leave then and there never to return.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/broward/fl-sb-gag-defense-murder-20170504-story.html

3. Our final story comes from you guessed it…Florida! Just kidding it was Ohio. Some guy shot himself in the penis getting out of his car. When first responders arrived they found the round had gone through leaving what I like to imagine was a perfectly round cartoonish exit wound.The article makes no mention of the gun he had using but I’m assuming it was a fairly small caliber since he didn’t blow his dick off entirely.
I also have to wonder how stupid this guy had to be for this to have happened. I’m not pretending to be a firearms expert by any means but I do if your safety it probably won’t come off accidentally.
This story reminds me of my boot camp days when I went to the range and was very nervous. I had never shot a gun before and we were warned about Beretta bites. A Beretta bite occurs when you cycle a round and the skin between your thumb and index finger is caught by the slide. Our instructors made it sound like they happened all the time and I didn’t know any better so I was pretty nervous. Once I got my hands on a gun I realized there was nothing to worry about because you’d either have to be a complete idiot and/or trying to get get one. I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s really no excuse for shooting yourself in the penis.

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My brief career as a cop killer

Well gang Facebook was nice enough to remind me that a year ago I was briefly the subject of a police manhunt in my hometown of Rockford, Illinois. 

Yessir, I’ll never forget that day. I was in basement watching the Deadpool  movie like a good little nerd when my phone rang. It was my brother-in-law’s sister calling me which was odd but not entirely unexpected. We weren’t particularly close but she was thinking about joining the military and would text when she had any questions about my experience.

That wasn’t on the agenda though. She was a sheriff’s deputy and wanted to know what kind of car I drove and if I had just been in a certain part of town. I told her I had, and then I politely asked her what the fuck this was all about.

Then she let me have it. There was an all points bulletin out for me, and the cops might stop by to question me about a police shooting a few days before.

As you can probably imagine I didn’t expect this. I certainly hadn’t shot any cop. I started to think she was fucking with me because the day before I found out I would be moving to Washington, DC for work. I assumed my brother in law was getting her to play a trick on me. We were on the phone for about twenty minutes before I decided she was on the level.

Once I realized she wasn’t messing around I started to freak out. I was just hired for a federal job and I would have to pass a security screening, and the last thing I needed was to be accused of being a cop killer.

She hung up eventually and I just sat there in disbelief. I knew I hadn’t shot a cop but it was still a surreal moment that took me a while to come to terms with. Later in the day she called me back to inform me the Johnny law realized the error of their ways.

A couple days later my rogue doppelganger ran into law enforcement and was hosed down during a gun fight. The heat was officially off and my brief career as a cop killer had officially over.

http://www.wrex.com/story/31939867/2016/05/10/illinois-man-wanted-after-shooting-mahomet-police-officer

 

Charm City Weekend

Well gang I spent my weekend in Baltimore watching baseball. My beloved Chicago White Sox played a three game series against the hometown O’s and I figured I might as well stay for the duration. It turned out to be a mixed blessing because Friday and Saturday night the Sox were competitive and they seemed to be building momentum towards a win on Sunday. I was hoping they would get over the hump for a win, but I was wrong and they shit the bed instead. 

The games were fairly uneventful except for Friday night’s when I got quite drunk. I got my food to booze ratio wrong and ended up paying for it. I wish I could say that’s never happened before but that would be a lie. During my Navy days I went to a game with a buddy who must have smuggled a dozen beers into the park. It seemed like every time I turned around he had a fresh beer waiting for me, and by the end of the evening I was so drunk Bill Cosby would have been concerned for my safety. The game seemed like it was over in about 10 minutes and later that evening I was yakking up peanut bits on the streets of Fells Point.

Saturday morning was a repeat performance of this sordid moment from my past. However, my weekend was more than barfing and baseball. Here is a list of some of the exciting things I experienced during my lost weekend:

1. I went to the kinetic sculpture race Saturday in Patterson Park. It wasn’t a race in the traditional sense but more of a demonstration. The kinetic sculptures were mechanized abominations built by engineers and other mechanically minded individuals and paraded around for the adoring public. Some of the designs included: a cow wearing a space suit, a crocodile, and an enormous sandwich.

2. A friend recommended visiting the Walters Art Museum. I took their advice and was glad I did because it was great. They had a ton of taxidermy which I always enjoy. There were several suits of armor and old-timey weapons which are always a treat to see. Probably the most exotic thing I came across was a child mummy enclosed in the cutest little sarcophagus you had ever seen.

3. I stayed in a hostel because I’m cheap and low maintenance. I was surprised by how may people were staying there because when I think about Baltimore I don’t immediately think tourist destination for young people. The more I thought about it though I realized most people are probably passing through like me and/or are headed to BWI. Regardless, there were some interesting characters and that what’s important. In my experience hostels always have guests that are asleep the entire time they are there and this was no exception. There are also people who are not mindful of others at all and leave their shit spread out everywhere. I don’t expect luggage to be stowed away but personal items and other bullshit can be put in a locker. By far the weirdest guy I came across though was the oddball sharing my room who slept fully dressed (including ball cap and shoes).

4. Finally, while walking around town I came across some random oddness. If anyone wants to see a truly terrifying Holocaust memorial then Baltimore is the place for you because it is home to an enormous sculpture of a fireball with skeletons peeking out among the flames. I’ve seen it several times before but it never gets any easier (which I suppose is the point). While walking to the stadium Saturday evening I came across a pillar of society taking a whiz in the doorway of a Walgreen’s. I was impressed by his audacity since the sun was out and it was a heavily trafficked thoroughfare. Last but certainly not least I came across a Toynbee tile and was more excited than any grown man should be about coming across a piece of linoleum with gibberish on it. (If you’re not familiar with Toynbee tiles I’ve written about them before https://thehumanzooblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/04/toynbee-tiles/)

March for science

Hey gang. My girlfriend and I spent our Earth Day in downtown Washington D.C. at the March For Science. 

Our foray into activism did not get off to an auspicious start. Getting to the march meant surviving a train ride surrounded by kids from the University of Maryland. Normally this would be a problem because I think its awesome that young people (younger than myself that is) are getting involved and standing up for their beliefs. The problem was the group sitting in proximity to us were especially pretentious and insufferable. 

I have no idea how old these kids were but they very young. They weren’t quite dripping with amniotic fluid but they were still talking about their AP tests so think I can assume they were in their first or second year of school. When we first sat down they were talking about adderall and they best route to the march. I tried to offer advice about the Metro but was rebuffed. Their loss. 

The next topic of discussion was their majors and this is when I almost lost it. There were six of them and most were studying STEM subjects. One kid was taking kiniesology courses and his compatriot responded “yeah, I guess that counts.”

One of the girls in the group said she was a marketing major, and her friend interjected that she just liked going to protests. 

I was taken aback because this was the most condescending thing I had heard in a long while. It took everything I had not to open my mouth and take this person down a peg but I managed to contain myself. I don’t think they meant to sound like an elitist uber-asshole but I also don’t think they understood that reading one fucking textbook doesn’t equate to a distinguished scientific career either. The Wright brothers were bicycle mechanics and they invented aviation for Christ’s sake. 
I would also argue that someone participating in a march for a cause that doesn’t affect them directly makes more of a statement (although science denial certain affects everyone regardless of whether they are in a STEM field or not). 
In all fairness I’m sure I was an insufferable shit when I was at their point in life. However, like everyone else who gets older I have taken up the mantle of talking shit about younger generations. 

Anyhoo…by the time we departed the intelligentsia we were at the starting point for the march. The weather was shit and as someone who is a total weenie about getting wet I was a bit apprehensive about my participation. I persevered and I’m glad I did because the march was really a lot of fun. It felt good to be around a bunch of people who were rallying around a similar cause. From what I saw it was peaceful as well. No one was getting rowdy or destroying property.

I don’t know if our participation will make a difference but I do know our participation didn’t go unnoticed. I made an amazing sign. Actually sign may not be the write word because I carried an enormous pair of underpants with the words written “I’ll be brief…don’t ignore science.” They were a…big…hit, and I was photographed all day.

This coming weekend is the climate change march, and I think we shall be participating. I have another pair of big underwear and a clever saying, and it would be a shame if they went to…waist.

Eels

Hey gang did you hear about this guy in China who had a bit of trouble with an eel? Apparently he inserted one into his anus as a folk remedy for constipation. The eel burrowed its way through his intestines and found its way into his abdominal cavity causing extensive trauma.

Honestly I feel bad for this guy. Can you imagine being so backed up you’re willing to let an eel crawl up your own ass in hope of finding relief? The story goes on to mention that said eel’s head was the size of a ping-pong ball, so not only is that thing wiggling around but it had to force its way into what I would imagine is a relatively tight opening (certainly smaller than a ping-pong ball right?).

The article concludes mentioning that last year another man in China was admitted to the hospital after letting an eel slither up his colon for sexual pleasure. You can read about the entire sordid affair here: http://www.scmp.com/news/china/society/article/2088857/chinese-doctors-remove-live-eel-constipated-mans-stomach-after

If you’ve read this far you’re probably wondering why am I telling you about this. No reason to be honest. I don’t really have a connection to this story other than I think eels are kind of neat when they aren’t being stuck in asses. I used to work at a Petco and my co-workers and I used to amuse ourselves by feeding one goldfish.

I also went to the National Aquarium in Baltimore and there were plenty of eels on display. I visited with my sister and spent a bulk of my time making eel related puns for the amusement of those lucky enough to be standing around me. Walking past the…eel-ectric…eel tank I wondered aloud whether the person who discovered them had a bad…eel-ing…about what they had just caught. Later we past a tank with a moray in it, and according to the information placard they can grow to be 8 feet long.

“Wow,” I said “they sure are…eel-ongated. I bet stretched out end to end they could reach my…c-eel-ing!”

Hilarious I know. Anyways that’s my eel story, and I know I’ve hit upon this point repeatedly but I can not say it enough…don’t stick one in your ass.

The Eiger Sanction

The other day I was riding the train home. As usual I was reading a book, and the guy standing next to me got excited when he noticed it was The Eiger Sanction by Trevanian. 

Hey what do you think?,” said train guy.

I looked at him and took a deep breath before I responded:

I hate it. I think it sucks.” 

A look of disappointment swept over his face immediately. I honestly felt bad. I’m normally not this blunt with total strangers but I couldn’t help myself because this was a dreadful read.


I finished this turd the other day and if you’ve read this far you might wonder why I even bothered. There was a time when I would have put this book on the shelf never to be looked at again once I realized it was an abomination (in this book’s case about a dozen pages in). However, a few years ago I read Les Miserables in its entirety and I made a pact with myself. If I could finish that behemoth I could finish anything.

I should have known better because I had read another book by Trevanian that I hated as (Shibumi), but I had bought them at the same time and I have a big pile of books I need to read through.

Eiger Sanction is about a mountain climbing art professor, Jonathan Hemlock, who moonlights as an assassin for a shady intelligence organization. Hemlock only performs hits (or sanctions as they’re known in the book). when he needs money for paintings he buys on the black market. He’s roped into taking a job that requires climbing the Eiger in Switzerland and performing a sanction hence…The Eiger Sanction!

I’m not really going to go in depth about why this book sucked instead I’m going to share a few lines that I feel make my point for me.

1. Upon arriving in Switzerland Jonathan sees the mountain and his emotional state is described as follows “He was afraid of the mountain, his groin tingled with the fear.” What the fuck does this even mean?

2. Another point in the book the author briefly covers the history of people attempting to climb the Eiger. Before any alpinist succeeded he states that “the mountain retained its hymen.”

I cringed after reading this.

3. John is a slick ladies man, and his main squeeze is a black lady named, I shit you not, Jemima Brown. When they are about to go to bed for the first time she asks “Am I your first black?” Who fucking talks like this?!?

4. Jonathan has a friend who owns a resort/mountain climbing training facility in the desert. He goes there to whip himself into shape. After a few weeks of conditioning he’s feeling good and declares “I’m just feeling tough and full of sperm.” While reading my eyes rolled so far back in my head I was afraid my retinas might detach.

5. Speaking of his time in training Jonathan is coached by a mute native American woman named George. At first Jonathan resents her because she’s in much better condition than he is and she isn’t going easy on him. At one point he screams “You are a savage George Hotfort. I’m glad we took your land!”

Even more incredible is I think this is supposed to be a moment of levity. I wasn’t laughing and not just because I’m some millennial whose in need of a safe space. This shit is fucking offensive. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised though considering Jonathan’s arch-nemesis is a suave homosexual who has a dog named Faggot. Hilarious! (this is sarcasm please don’t come after me with pitchforks).

Critics have referred to this book as a “pale James Bond derivative,” but Trevanian countered to such criticism saying this book was a spoof on the spy genre. If you ask me that’s easy to say when your work is coming under fire. Imagine having the luxury of someone saying you suck and brushing it off with “oh that’s intentional.”

Long story short I don’t recommend this book. I picked it up at a used bookstore because I read somewhere it was good. I’m an extremely cynical person and yet I bought in. A momentary lapse of judgment that amounted to about a week’s worth of suffering churning through this drivel. If you are interested in reading spy fiction and/or mountaineering I recommend Frederick Forsyth’s Day of the Jackal and/or Jon Krakaeur’s Into Thin Air.

Baltimore

Had an exciting weekend gang. The gf’s parents were in town and we took a trip to Charm City aka Baltimore, Md. Home of Babe Ruth, Edgar Allan Poe, and the Star Spangled Banner!

Don’t let reruns of The Wire fool you, Baltimore is pretty awesome. I’ve made plenty of good memories skulking around there and some of them don’t even involve alcohol (but in all seriousness Baltimore is a great place to tie one on).

I first realized what a wonderful place Baltimore could be while stationed at Ft. Meade. My sailor friends and I enjoyed spending out weekends at Pimlico Racetrack (home of the Preakness Stakes which you all know is one leg of the Triple Crown) sucking down Black Eyed Susans and gambling on the ponies. From there we would usually make our way into the city proper to drink some more. I was even coerced a time or two into one of the many strip clubs decorating Baltimore Avenue.

No monkeyshines of that caliber happened this weekend though. I dragged my motley crew to Hampden which is a cool hip neighborhood with the likes of which is totally absent in my hometown of Rockford, Illinois. Its also home to a store called Bazaar which I had been chomping at the bit to visit since I discovered its existence. For the right price a discerning customer could leave with taxidermy, human bones, and paintings by Gacy and Manson.

A fiddler crab and octopus preserved in resin caught my eye. I was geeking out surrounded by so much weird shit and I tried to start a conversation with the cashier while making my purchase. I told him I was really excited to visit the store, and that my prized possession was a taxidermy sloth.

That’s nice,” he said wholly without enthusiasm. Based on his reaction you’d have thought people with taxidermy sloths were a dime a dozen in Baltimore. I was sad and confused. How could someone who worked in a store like that not give a shit about other people’s oddities?

Luckily I am a plucky individual and was not despondent for long. The happiness that comes with purchasing new oddities obliterated my melancholy entirely. After our Hampden excursion we made our way to the home of my gf’s parents friends. Little did I know they lived around the corner from legendary auteur of smut John Waters, and our hosts were kind enough to take me sightseeing. If you don’t know who John Waters is do yourself a favor and find yourself a copy of Pink Flamingos. Put the kids to bed early because its a movie famous for a drag queen eating literal dog shit. The kicker is the movie is so despicable that by the time said shit is munched you’re likely so numb to degeneracy it’ll hardly register as outrageous.

Anyways, that’s about it. I’m returning to Baltimore in a few weeks and will be staying for the weekend. Hopefully it is a very strange time and it gives me plenty to write about.

Arlington National Cemetery

Well gang I worked this weekend. I didn’t have to but I decided since I now have a big boy job maybe I should show some ambition for the first time in my life and go above and beyond what’s expected of me.

Anyways I was assigned to cover a wreath laying at Arlington National Cemetery in honor of Medal of Honor Day. I didn’t count those in attendance but I’d say there were about a dozen MOH recipients in attendance and it was a pretty humbling experience. I’ve discussed veterans at length before and for the most part I’m indifferent when someone tells me they are a veteran. This is because I am a veteran myself and have been on the inside. Its not that I don’t think veterans deserve respect I’m just bothered by our society indoctrinating people to put service members on a pedestal. I realize I’m probably coming across as a hypocrite because I plan every Veteran’s Day around free meals but it gets a little ridiculous at times.

Anyone who receives the MOH is an exception to that. All these dudes were through some serious shit to get their medal. On board my old ship the USS Iwo Jima there is a ceremonial room full of plaques commemorating every MOH recipient from the battle of Iwo Jima. Often times I’d find myself in that room waiting for a job to start and I’d read the citations. Each one is fucking insane. Imagine a plot for an action movie that Michael Bay would describe as being ludicrous. You can say what you want about the politics surrounding the conflicts these guys fought in but one thing you can’t deny is these guys went through some serious shit. If you don’t believe me think about a time when you were faced with a personal challenge. Once you have one in mind go to Wikipedia and search a MOH recipient and read their citation (I recommend Audie Murphy whose WWII exploits made Captain America’s look like a day at the country club). I’m willing to bet once you’ve done that your long day suddenly won’t seem so bad.

Let’s move on though before I get all weepy. When I was leaving I saw a kid wearing a pair of socks with Trump’s face on them sitting in a wheelchair. Despite his questionable fashion statement I initially felt bad for the kid. I assumed his parents were anti-vaccers and he had contracted the nation’s only known case of polio. But as I was walking past he got up and appeared to be walking around with ease. What a shit! At that moment any pity I had for him was gone and I immediately went back to hating him for wearing those socks. In all fairness though I hate any kid schilling for a politician. If you’re 10 no one cares what you think (nor should they).

Speaking of clothing I just have one more thing to add before I wrap this up. As I’ve mentioned previously I’ve been to Arlington several times for work and nearly every time I’ve been taken aback by how some people dress while visiting. The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is a place of reverence and I’m always pissed off to see some bum skulking around in a shirt that doesn’t cover their fat gut or one that isn’t full of holes (I have witnessed both of these). I hate to outfit shame but if you can afford a trip to DC you can afford a $5 polo from Old Navy.

Spider-Man and the Sinister 6

Hey gang. I’ve been going through a renaissance of sorts recently. I’ve gotten back into reading comic books and graphic novels. The other day I finished off a Spider-Man collection Return of the Sinister Six. Obviously the book covers the Sinister Six story arc but also includes other issues from the Amazing Spider-Man published from 1990-91. While I admit I love these old stories they are at times hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Here are some highlights:

1. Peter Parker’s Aunt May is drawn so old it is laugh out loud funny. According to comic lore Aunt May’s husband, Ben Parker, was significantly older than his brother (Peter’s dad). I am not certain how wide the age gap is but if the art is any indication it was enormous since May looks like she could be Methuselah’s mother.
 She doesn’t look like she should worry about the Green Goblin attacking as much as she should about falling down the stairs and her bones turning to dust. Or slipping in the bathtub while out of arm’s reach of her life alert bracelet.

In all seriousness half the lines drawn on any panel in which she appears are on her face. I think the artists could have gotten their point across about her age without drawing her like the last living Civil War widow.

2. Something I really enjoy about superhero comics is that their nature is to be ridiculous. There are many good stories but the reader can’t enjoy them if you have no suspension of disbelief. For example Spider-Man was a kid who gained powers after being bit by a radioactive spider. If you can’t get over that you can’t appreciate that the character is a metaphor for puberty (Peter Parker was a boy when he was bitten and his body started to go through changes, get it?).

However, there are some things too ridiculous to ignore. The dumbest thing about these stories was the Sinister Six’s plot at world domination which left me speechless. Dr Octopus reforms the Sinister Six under the ruse of launching a satellite into space and holding the world hostage under the threat of releasing a poison into the atmosphere. So far so good exactly the type of thing you would expect a supervillain to do.

The rails come off very quickly though when it turns out this was nothing but a bluff. Octopus’ true plan involved secretly curing everyone of cocaine addiction. Why? The substance he put in the atmosphere made anyone who used blow nauseated. Octopus reasoned that since there were so many coke fiends he could get rich selling them a cure. A more convoluted plot there never was!

Anyone unfamiliar with the character Dr. Octopus is one of the smartest characters in the Marvel universe which makes this plot that much stupider. If he really had any brains and wanted to make serious money off cocaine addiction he should have started a cartel. Octopus’ knowledge of chemistry would make his product second to none. If he couldn’t crush the competition by selling a better product he could wipe out his rivals with little effort. He’s a super-villain capable of going toe-to-toe with Spider-Man what hoodlums could stand up to him? He enlisted the aid of Mysterio, Sandman, Hobgoblin, Vulture and Electro to have his satellite launched. If those were his sicarios even Pablo Escobar would be liable to poop his pants.

3. Speaking of Dr. Octopus he is drawn with a bowl cut. He may be an evil genius with indestructible arms fused to his body (hence the name!) but if Bill Gates can laugh at his haircut I can’t take him seriously.

He’s not the only villain who looks like an idiot either. Electro’s costume is something else indeed. Electro, if the name hasn’t given it away, can control electricity but has no mastery over fashion. His costume is a green unitard under a pair of yellow briefs. His unitard is covered with lightning bolts to really drive home the point about electricit but that is hardly the goofiest thing about his outfit. On his face he wears a mask that looks like an enormous yellow starfish. Aside from not being real I understand there is a bit of theatrics involved with being a super-hero and/or villain. Myself, I would trade a bit of the spectacle for practicality.

And speaking of practicality these aren’t even the stupidest costumes worn in this volume. This probably comes as no surprise to anyone whose read comics but the honor of dumbest (yet funniest) costumes goes to female characters.

Honorable mention goes to the Felicia Hardy aka Black Cat. Black Cat is drawn with enormous breasts which her costume struggles mightily to contain. In the comics she regularly performs acrobatic feats made all the more impressive since she appears to be smuggling two inflated pufferfish under her clothes at all times.

However, even her get up pales in comparison to Spider-Man foes Knockout and Mindblast. Knockout and Mindblast compromise half the members of an all female super-villain team hired to take down everyone’s favorite web slinger. Knockout is a powerfully built African-American lady with metal limbs. This isn’t strange by comic book standards except she’s running around a thong. Yes, her metal ass is bisected by butt floss.

Meanwhile Mindblast shows up to the fight wearing a onesie with most of the ass cut out. I know I’ve mentioned this previously but if I were a superhero I would emphasize practicality over theatrics. Could you imagine the male equivalent of this? I have no idea what it would look. Maybe some sort of garment that allows their balls to hang out?

Shitty Sports Fans

Last night my gal and I were fortunate enough to luck in to some hockey tickets. Friends of ours had extra tickets and invited us to watch the Washington Capitals battle it out with the Minnesota Wild. Good times were had by all. Well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration because our seats were sandwiched between two of the worst fans I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering at a sporting event.

Our seats were rather odd. I think they were doing renovations in our section because instead of stadium seating there were folding chairs secured to the floor, and the seat number was written on the floor in chalk. My group had no trouble finding their seats, but the people one row ahead of us were rather confused. An usher came by to sort out the situation and was promptly bitched out by a she-beast sitting in that aisle.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing because it was rather shameful. This guy just came down to help and this lady just lit in to him. Yes, it was a stupid situation and the seats weren’t labeled very well but this woman reacted like someone farted on her dinner.

Did I mention she was stereotypically basic? I would be willing to bet real money this woman had a plaque in her house with some stupid phrase like “live, love, laugh” on it and lived to send meals back at restaurants. I would be equally unsurprised to find out she had a stick figure family on her car. Speaking of families she was accompanied by her two daughters (basic-lings in training) and a husband whose balls I assume were kept in a jar on her nightstand.

The sad thing is she was pleasant compared to the Capitals superfan seated a few rows above us. He wore a custom jersey with the words “Rock the Red” on the back and brought a cowbell to the game which I shit you not he must have rung at least 1,000 times. It wasn’t just random clanging either (although there was plenty of that). He attempted to keep rhythm to the music played during the game game including 2 Unlimited’s Twilight Zone which was admittedly hilarious (albeit for all the wrong reasons).

Minutes into the game and I was contemplating flinging myself to my death upon the seats below but had I done that I would have missed his worst offense which came during the first intermission. He visited the people in front of us (not the basic bitch but the guys seated next to her) and asked if they wouldn’t mind sitting up as straight as possible. He claimed they were obstructing his view of the ice. I assure you the reader they were not. We could see the entire rink from where we were and he was above us. This guy also berated people heading to their seats during play instead of after a whistle. His audacity knew no bounds.

I will give credit where credit is due and mention aside from being in close proximity to these turds I had a great time. The Capitals went, well, wild on Minnesota beating them 4-2. I’ll be back at the Verizon Center Friday night to see my beloved Chicago Bulls be more than likely humiliated by the Washington Wizards which is OK so long as I don’t have to endure that goddamn cowbell for another 3 hours.